The Tyranny of “I Must…”
So very much of what drives us in life is the idea of “I must.” External circumstances seemingly force us this way and that throughout our days. I’m not discounting that there are things we must do: work to pay bills and eat. These aren’t the tyranny I’m speaking of (although it can certainly feel like it 😉) I’m focusing directly on the stress-inducing “musts” that we choose and the fallout they create around us.
“I must appear successful.” “I must have the latest thing.” “I must work myself to dust because that is how to get ahead, get noticed, and receive praise!” “I must” then turns into a merciless master.
In the horse show world I lived in for many decades the “I must” was and continues to be unending. “I must buy a horse by Super Loper, Uber Slider, or Prancing Piaffer.” “I must have the outfit and tack to grab the judges’ attention so I can win.” “I must have the custom tall boots, bridle with bling browband, coat, and matching pad to stand out on my Bucks of Moolah dressage horse.” “If sliding 15 feet is good, sliding 30 feet is better on my horse Spinnit to Winnit.”
Even trainers’ livelihoods can be driven by winning. A trainer I worked with for some years had a good show season followed by good business the next year. Unfortunately, the horses he had in during the second year weren’t quite as talented. The following year people chose to send their horses to more “successful” trainers. (On a side note, one horse he trained and exhibited successfully was wrecked and deemed unshowable by the next trainer.)
It took me way too long to discover how insidiously “I must” had crept into my life and nearly destroyed it. “I must do all the things that need doing.” “I must promote what I’m involved in.” “I must learn everything presented to me.” “I must teach exactly just so.” “I must please students, teachers, and colleagues.” All of those “I musts” drove me to panic attacks, flashbacks, exhaustion, depression, and hopelessness. The “I must” mindset is ruthless, uncaring, unyielding, and hyperfocused…the epitome of terminal tunnel vision. What was left inside of me was like picking through rubble after a natural disaster. It took that level of devastation for me to be able to see clearly.
“I cannot hope to be creative, mindful, joyful or fully present if I am trapped in an internal prison. How in the world can I expect a horse to want to joint me there? ”
If you or I am working in an “I must” mindset, we cannot help but pass it on to the horses we work with! Not only are we the slaves of “I must” but we are putting our horses in slavery to it as well. As I well know, preparing for a show is preparing for 5 minutes of near-perfection in performance. In western pleasure, a change of pace or head/neck position can be the difference between winning and getting the gate. Reining is so hard and fast that mistakes can come and go in a blink. Remember, reining horses are rated by how much money they win. Million-dollar winners and million-dollar sires are what people are headed toward. How much can you really allow the horse freedom when that much money is on the line? It’s similar in all showing venues. The extreme is seen and rewarded regardless of the effect on the horse. And I’m saying this from experience, not judgment or criticism. Just fact.
Recreational riders who want to enjoy their horses can get caught in the “I must” trap as well. “I must get my ride in before it gets dark.” “I must get better with my horse so I can __________.” “I must enjoy my horse because it’s so expensive to have him.” “I must look like I know what I’m doing so people don’t look down on me.” “I must do what my friends are doing with their horses.”
The only thing worse than being trapped in the “I musts” is burdening the horse with the “musts.” “My horse must do this because it’s what I want to do.” “My horse must do this because I want to spend time with my friends and it’s what they do.” “My horse must do this because I want to win.” None of this is for the benefit of the horse. A horse must do nothing besides be in the moment and respond to their surroundings. That is the nature of horses. It’s too bad that it’s not so natural for us.
It’s the mindset that poisons the interaction. It’s the mindset that enslaves, limits, demeans, and discourages. I’m sorry that it took so long for me to understand this more fully. It’s been an arduous road but endlessly worthwhile.
Now the “I must” is replaced by “I wonder,” “Let’s try,” “How about,” “Thank you,” “I appreciate you,” “I hear you,” and “I want things that are beneficial for both of us.” Now there’s laughter, wonder, appreciation, education, organic growth, peace, cooperation, expression, creativity, patience, and much more.
Now that I live in freedom, I can share it with the horses.
