Fear and love…

Seems a strange combination, fear and love…but there is a complex interaction between the two. I was pondering this very thing while working on the tractor the other day.

I John 4:18 says,  “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” This has SO many implications in interactions between feeling and thinking beings! We can think about it from the horse’s point of view or ours.

Horses’ fear is based on survival. It is part of who they are. How we interact with them matters. How we train them matters. As the verse says, “Fear has to do with punishment.” It would be evident, therefore, that inciting intense fear in a horse is likely to create some kind of rift between horse and human be it training methods or interaction. Fear has a very hard time coexisting with love. But is feeling love even a possibility with horses? What do horses actually feel?

It is evident that horses intensely feel things like hyper-awareness, anxiety, confusion, anger, and frustration; these have kept them alive throughout their existence. They also clearly feel safety, calm, affection, recognition, mutuality, curiosity, playfulness, and cooperation. We can easily observe that horses feel attachment… just haul two horses that have never met and in 10 minutes or less, they are best friends! This is a pretty broad spectrum of emotion. These emotions could be seen as primal, or primitive, unlike love which is seen as nuanced, multi-faceted, and of a possibly higher brain order than horses. I don’t know that we can dismiss love as an equine emotion based on our evaluation of their brain and emotional functionality. We simply cannot “feel” what another being is feeling!

I can describe to you what I’m feeling but you can’t feel it based on a description…you can only empathize. You can acknowledge the emotion I’m describing or displaying in my behavior thus saying, “I may not understand or feel what you’re feeling but I am here with you and see the evidence of your emotions in your expressions and your behavior.” This is what we can do for and with horses. If a horse whinnies for his friends, he’s not being bad, he’s expressing anxiety about separation or loneliness. Maybe he sees a horse he recognizes. We may not know exactly what he’s feeling but we can be with him in it and “see” to the best of our ability what he’s expressing.

I think Lida Rose is expressing, “Are you kidding me right now?”

As far as a horse feeling love, I will look at it from the vantage point of another verse:

I Corinthians 13, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

I think horses often do very well if we define love from this verse. Horses are often patient, and kind…keep no record of wrongs…they often check the boxes here. So maybe they do love. Or have the elements of love within them. If that is indeed true, or even possible, we have a fascinating potential equation.

If, as I John 4:18 says, “love drives out fear,” the inverse could also be true: fear drives out love.

Simply put, if a horse fears you he is very unlikely to exhibit elements of love: patience, kindness, trust, hope, perseverance….The most evident application is to avoid practices that cause fear in horses and to help alleviate any fear they already have.

Now for the human side. Always trickier and more complex but I think there is a real treasure of wisdom if we follow this line of thinking through.

“If love drives out fear, the inverse could also be true: fear drives out love”

There is often fear, to one degree or another, on the human side when it comes to horses. They are big, strong, and can hurt us badly. We may have already been hurt by horses in the past. We may be timid folks by nature. Any number of things can bring us to horses fearfully, but if we do so, WE begin losing the elements of love. Remember? Fear and love don’t play well with one another. When we are in a state of fear WE begin to lose patience, kindness, humility, trust, and perseverence. We become proud because we feel we must prove ourselves to horses and fellow riders. We become angry and impatient because the horse doesn’t do what we want. We keep a record of the “wrongs” the horse has done “to” us. All of this is NOT the definition of love so fear HAS driven the elements of love from us. And that is a tragedy that we see far too often in all facets of the horse world.

So what can we do if we have fear issues with horses?

The first step is honesty. Admitting that there is fear present. SO many folks cover fear up under layer upon layer of whatever is lying around inside them. It’s still there and you still see the indications that love has been banished. Anger, impatience, blaming, distrust, arrogance, pride.

After that, start asking yourself questions. Lots of questions. Give honest answers. It is truly your only way forward. Here is a great question to start with: Why do I want to do something that elicits fear? For me it’s clear, I do not enjoy doing things I innately fear. I know that I am not comfortable in water so I will not be going deep sea diving with my sister. There are many other things I can enjoy that do not elicit fear in me so I’ll stick to those.

Nobody has to interact with horses. You can choose other animals: minis, ponies, dogs, cats, ducks, iguanas…whatever brings you joy. Or you can choose to simply not participate in an activity that you fear. Like deep sea diving for me.

A photo from one of my sister’s dives. I won’t be joining her 😉

Ask yourself exactly when in the horse interaction fear arises. When you are on the ground? In the saddle? Does speed have any effect on your fear level? Riding in groups? Riding alone? Get specific and see if you can pinpoint the issues or situations that cause you the most fear. Then see if you and your equine professional can find solutions for that. Some solutions involve the education of the horse, others are aimed more at the rider and his/her skills.

Fear can be a real indication of readiness to ride. Your fear may be trying to keep you from harm! Perhaps you have fear because you are truly not physically ready or have enough education to feel proficient and safe. One of the things I see the most is the need for physical strength, fitness, and balance in riders. This is a sport, and a pretty arduous one. I don’t see too many folks mountain biking without the fitness, strength, and balance enough to participate safely. Same for skiing, water skiing, rock climbing, kayaking…and yes, I put riding horses on this level of skill. The injuries to riders are in large part the rider lacking physical fitness for the activity. You wouldn’t hit a black diamond run if you weren’t a black diamond level skier and if you did, an injury wouldn’t be surprising. I am most certainly not fit for rock climbing and would injure myself if I didn’t get fit and skilled beforehand.

If you do get fit, strong, and balanced, and find an instructor who will educate you on not only riding but horse behavior, you may find your fear lowering in intensity over time. That’s great! You’re headed the right way! If you’re not willing to gain the physical abilities and education you need, you’re headed the right way for an injury plain and simple.

Horse and human interaction can become a source of deep connection with so many of the elements of love contained within. It seems clear that when fear enters into the equation on either side, love decreases or disappears entirely. It’s not easy to look into the face of fear in a horse or in ourselves, but without addressing it, we may doom our horse-human relationships to be largely devoid of the building blocks of love.

Sometimes fear can get in the way of enjoying much of anything in life. That’s when you need to seek professional help. Fear that interrupts daily life and activities you enjoy can be a sign of an anxiety disorder, PTSD or a number of other very treatable issues.